It has been a little over 7 years when I got the news, “you have cancer.” Of course, I didn’t want to believe it, so I quickly grabbed the large packet of my x-rays off the desk of my very kind surgeon, and left in a hurry. I don’t know how I managed to drive myself home. The music on the radio, held me together, “In the arms of an angel”….
I returned to my surgeon’s office a week later, feeling reluctant, yet compelled to deal with ‘what comes next’….I was semi-present listening to all the medical jargon, but obviously present enough to remember every emotional detail of the ordeal. That day turned into more days of numbness, fear, loss, and a general disorientation and dis-connection to my life as I had known it before the diagnosis.
I remember sorting through reams of information, talking to as many people as I could, trying to find support and answers…I realized very quickly, that this was another personal journey that would challenge me to pay attention to my inner guidance and get as clear as I could in order to make the multitude of decisions that would forever impact my life. This was the biggest test of my life!
I rode the wave of uncertainty and hope for the next 15 months. I lost a lot of weight. I hated the mouth sores. Chocolate ice-cream was my favorite meal. I cherished my friends and family. My cats gave me comfort. I actually liked my wig. The crisp cold winter air lifted my spirit and I became part of the Universe as I stared at the December stars. I felt a deep and compassionate connection to everyone. Every time I sat through another infusion, I received hugs from my oncology nurses, and I wrapped their warm smiles around me like a blanket of love. I faced my fears as I climbed slowly to the top of the mountain, and I could see the beginnings of a new horizon. Everyone told me how strong I was…I didn’t know what that meant. I just put one foot in front of the next, and continued the journey.
As I look back, I realize that I didn’t try to be courageous…it was a part of my being that seemed to just be there. At our deepest core, is a part of our being that is ever-present and non-judging. My cancer journey opened me to many dimensions and many opportunities to be present with all of my being; the fears, the anxiety, the unknown, and the possibilities. This was all part of my journey.
It amazes me how, 7 years later, as I sit at this writing, the fullness of my journey is still unfolding. I try to live fully; challenging my limiting beliefs, and continue the practice of living intentionally. Sometimes I feel the courage, and sometimes I have to manage my fear. It is all part of this wonderful life journey.
Posted by: sonnyrose
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